Congratulations, You Reproduced: That Doesn’t Make You a Damned Expert
Being able to reproduce doesn’t make you an expert. Listen to the people who are. Your ego isn’t science, and your kid deserves better.
Being biologically capable of reproduction does not bestow moral, intellectual, or experiential authority over child-rearing. Parenthood should not be confused with expertise, and the refusal to engage with evidence-based parenting practices is not only ignorant, it’s dangerous.
“But I’m a Parent, I Know What’s Best for My Child!” Do You, Though?
Let’s start by disassembling this hall-of-mirrors ego trip. You accidentally fertilized an egg (or got yours fertilized) and now believe you’ve been handed divine insight into developmental psychology, educational theory, immunology, nutrition, pedagogy, and moral philosophy?
Get. Over. Yourself.
If having a kid made you an expert, then every frat boy who forgot a condom is a child psychologist. Spoiler: They’re not. They’re usually just unemployed and confused about why Venmo isn’t enough to cover baby formula.
Expertise is earned. You don’t get to outvote 50 years of peer-reviewed longitudinal studies because “your gut says” screen time is fine if it’s Peppa Pig.
Reproduction Is Not an Achievement
Newsflash: rats reproduce. Cockroaches reproduce. People reproduce in porta-potties at Coachella. The bar is not high. Let’s stop acting like bringing life into the world is the same as knowing how to sustain and develop it responsibly.
Mother Nature doesn’t hand out diplomas with those stretch marks. You don’t suddenly gain omniscient insight into your kid’s brain chemistry because you squeezed them out during a hurricane. Reproduction is biology. Parenting is a skill. And most of y’all are not even trying to level up.
Licensing Parenthood? Oh Yes, I Said It.
You need a license to drive. To fish. To serve alcohol. But creating a whole-ass human being? Nothing. Nada. No prerequisites except a functioning set of genitals and a catastrophic lack of impulse control.
Am I saying we should mandate IQ tests and parenting certifications before reproduction? Hell yes, I am. Because there are people out here feeding their toddlers Mountain Dew and essential oils while insisting they’re “breaking generational trauma” by ignoring vaccines and reading “The Secret.”
You shouldn’t be allowed to adopt a hamster without proving you can meet its nutritional needs. So why do we let people raise humans without even a pop quiz?
Google Is Not Your Guru
Let’s talk about the “do your own research” crowd. Sweetheart, you didn’t even finish reading the Tylenol bottle, and now you think you’ve debunked every pediatrician and public health official in the world?
Critical thinking is not just disagreeing loudly with people more educated than you. That’s called being a jackass with a Wi-Fi signal.
You want to challenge the experts? Fine. Go get another expert. Not a YouTuber with a ring light and an anecdote. A peer-reviewed source. A practitioner. A professor. And until then? Sit down, shut up, and listen to the people who actually study this stuff.
Parenting Is Sacred, Which Is Exactly Why It Deserves Better Than Your Ego
Loving your child is not the same as knowing what’s best for them. Love without knowledge becomes arrogance. Arrogance becomes ignorance. And ignorance becomes abuse cloaked in “parental rights.”
So no, Karen. You don’t get to choose what science is real for your kid. You don’t get to substitute Google searches for medical consensus. You don’t get to claim moral superiority while refusing to learn.
Parenting is hard. But being willfully stupid while doing it? That’s unforgivable.
